Relationship Uncertainty

With each client I see in the King Street Clinic I become more and more aware of the hugely wide variety of postions people see things.  The more different those postions. beliefs are between couples the harder it is to bring them together.

I ask couples  to give me an idea of what they see when they look at their partner ... and then I ask them to look in a mirror and do the same thing.

"What do you see?  What do you really see? Sit in front of a mirror for 30 minutes or so and write down what you see."

When the client brings that back into the room I ask them what they think of that process and then ...  "How did it feel while you were doing it?  How does it feel now?"

If the result is an overly negative set of responses and reactions I will ask them to reframe or reconsider what they see to a neutral or more positive outlook.  I will always ask that process to include a clear understanding that whatever the response, it must be authentic.

If someone is very unhappy and can't see any other view, that then is the authentic belief, feeling, understanding.  and that it very difficult to live with year after year.

The hope is, reconsidering a viewpoint, discussing it, getting to understand that feeling wiull bring you to a better place.

The role of acceptance

There is some weird ideas out there. Sometimes they are not only out there; sometimes they are in here. Some of the ideas that people bring into the counselling room are extremely difficult to deal with... not for me but for the person holding those ideas.

Accepting that there some things you can change and some you can't is an essential life skill.

As sure as the sun rises and sets every day (so far every day of my life), the idea that I know stuff is beaten out of me regularly. "No", says the client, "that's not how I feel, think, want things..." and I'm forced to step back and let them speak their mind.

The fascinating thing is that they do speak their mind. My job is to let them see that can probably speak their mind to their boss, friend, partner, doctor. you have a right to your idea and you have a  right to say it out loud. Just accept that others may disagree. You can't change them and you can't even expect them to want to change themselves. Good luck if you think otherwise.

After the Affair

"After the Affair: Janis Abrahams Spring, PhD. " [Link leads to Amazon]

Is there hope after infidelity? Janis says yes. And that having an affair might even be ... well not a good thing but maybe something that had to happen. It might have occurred because the couple took their eye off the ball.

What was the original contract when they got together.  All too often there is no contract... just the "love".

Well, that's clearly not enough and the more I think about it the more I realise that our education system is just not up to the mark.

The way back is in both the couple's hands.... the one who cheated must be clear about their intent to repair and restore trust and the one cheated on has to be open to the idea.  This is very hard work and many couples are not able to face the rigour of forgiving, let alone changing their habits that lead to breaking up.

Is Romance Enough?

It's not enough because it is not love. 

Romance can be sentimentality run amuck. Well, I'm probably overstating it a bit. I still remember the card I found on my pillow a couple of months after Paul and I started out relationship. He had a key to my apartment and popped in one afternoon on his way past and left it there for me to find that night. I see it now. I don't see him though. We split up a year later.

That relationship was as romantic as it could be. I was working for a greeting card company at the time and you can imagine the number of cards he got from me... all at a discounted rate of course. I've still got a stack of them in my draw ready for the next lover.

So all the romance in the world couldn't sustain that relationship. We were hardly out of each other's eyes. From the day we met it was shocking to think we wouldn't be spending the night together. "WHAT??? You want to go back to YOUR place???"

It seems we were looking at this romantic liaison as a full compliment of the Maslow Hierarchy. When all it was was our separate need to be loved.

When we look at romance as an end in itself we miss out on the true meaning of love. Today's world is  expecting an immediate satisfaction and fulfilment of all desires. Just imagine you are at your computer searching on Google for a book you want.

You see a result and click on the link. It begins to load on your screen. It pauses, blank screen. All of three seconds has passed. What do you do? If you are anything like me you click back to the results and click on the next most likely link... hoping, no expecting it to load immediately.

Instant gratification. By the way there is new operating system you can put on your phone. It has some "added functionality".  You can identify all the latest film reviews for all the cinemas in your current locality. "Oh. This is a must have. How do I get it?"All humans seek love. Abraham Maslow developed his Hierarchy of Needs detailing the kinds of things humans want...

• Firstly the physiological:food, water, sleep sex, breathing as a first need.
• Secondly he says we need safety: security of employment, morality, family, health, resources.
• Thirdly, Love and belonging/connecting.
• Fourthly, Esteem: self confidence, self-esteem, respect of other and from others.
• Fifthly Maslow suggests is the nirvana: Self-actualisation - creativity, spontaneity, calmness, acceptance of things  for what they are, sense of morality.

All humans seek love... 

and a great thing to want. Many people use love as a way of getting all those other things. The expectation is that if I love someone I will get love, respect, food, sex, intimacy, respect, friendship, family, shelter... all my problems will be solved if only I could find love. Or money.

It turns out that this is not true. I know it from personal experience and I have read many stories of other people's experience as well as heard many clients tell me it's not true.

At first, clients don't realise it. Clients come in and ask me why their loving someone doesn't give them what they want. It is only after a few conversations that they come on, sit down and say...

"You know. I was thinking about our chat the other day and it occurs to me that no matter what I did for (Bob, Mary, Harry, Ronald, Elizabeth, John, Arnold, Blaise, Philip, Mary, Elle, Richard, Stephen, Dimitri, Ronan, Jody, Jerry, Kris, Kylie, Tim, Andrew, Vickie, Tom, John, Andy, Amelia, Vikaas...) the relationships was never very good.

"I tried and I tried and it seems nothing made it better. I changed jobs, cities, suburbs. For a time it was ok but it always turned to mud. What was I doing wrong? Why didn't that work"

"What do you think?" I would ask."

"I did too much I think. I lost myself in pleasing (her, him, them)."

How are you able to be yourself in the presence of others?

Are you able to be yourself in the presence of others.

If your friends or family like the same things as you it is easy to be yourself. It's when different things are wanted that the troubles arise. If you go along with the others, against your desires, then you are conforming or pleasing or agreeing just to keep the peace. If you rebel and go and do your own thing, the things you want, you risk cutting yourself off from the group.

Being well differentiated allows you to be yourself even when it is not appreciated or liked by others. You are able toy express your opinions openly without regard for the criticism of others. Of course, you have to hope that the people close to you will be like you… open and able to rethink their ideas and opinions when faced with dissent.

Sometimes families, like to continue the parenting, controlling, long after the child grows into an adult; long after the adult leaves the family home. The differentiation process continues for the individual all his/her life.