Relationship Uncertainty

With each client I see in the King Street Clinic I become more and more aware of the hugely wide variety of postions people see things.  The more different those postions. beliefs are between couples the harder it is to bring them together.

I ask couples  to give me an idea of what they see when they look at their partner ... and then I ask them to look in a mirror and do the same thing.

"What do you see?  What do you really see? Sit in front of a mirror for 30 minutes or so and write down what you see."

When the client brings that back into the room I ask them what they think of that process and then ...  "How did it feel while you were doing it?  How does it feel now?"

If the result is an overly negative set of responses and reactions I will ask them to reframe or reconsider what they see to a neutral or more positive outlook.  I will always ask that process to include a clear understanding that whatever the response, it must be authentic.

If someone is very unhappy and can't see any other view, that then is the authentic belief, feeling, understanding.  and that it very difficult to live with year after year.

The hope is, reconsidering a viewpoint, discussing it, getting to understand that feeling wiull bring you to a better place.

The role of acceptance

There is some weird ideas out there. Sometimes they are not only out there; sometimes they are in here. Some of the ideas that people bring into the counselling room are extremely difficult to deal with... not for me but for the person holding those ideas.

Accepting that there some things you can change and some you can't is an essential life skill.

As sure as the sun rises and sets every day (so far every day of my life), the idea that I know stuff is beaten out of me regularly. "No", says the client, "that's not how I feel, think, want things..." and I'm forced to step back and let them speak their mind.

The fascinating thing is that they do speak their mind. My job is to let them see that can probably speak their mind to their boss, friend, partner, doctor. you have a right to your idea and you have a  right to say it out loud. Just accept that others may disagree. You can't change them and you can't even expect them to want to change themselves. Good luck if you think otherwise.

After the Affair

"After the Affair: Janis Abrahams Spring, PhD. " [Link leads to Amazon]

Is there hope after infidelity? Janis says yes. And that having an affair might even be ... well not a good thing but maybe something that had to happen. It might have occurred because the couple took their eye off the ball.

What was the original contract when they got together.  All too often there is no contract... just the "love".

Well, that's clearly not enough and the more I think about it the more I realise that our education system is just not up to the mark.

The way back is in both the couple's hands.... the one who cheated must be clear about their intent to repair and restore trust and the one cheated on has to be open to the idea.  This is very hard work and many couples are not able to face the rigour of forgiving, let alone changing their habits that lead to breaking up.